April Mental Health Moment
by Kendra Bradford
Do you ever encounter situations that include people not being honest with you? Lying can take on many forms from orchestrated omission to flat-out falsehoods. Regardless of the form, I think it’s safe to say we do not like being lied to. Even though this is true, there are times people lie. Have you ever considered why the person that lied to you didn’t tell the truth? Although I don’t condone lying, I want to open your eyes to some of the reasons that people lie.
Self-Defense - The objective is for someone to avoid punishment or a confrontation. It’s possible the consequences a person has experienced from telling the truth were so intense that doing everything possible to avoid experiencing them again became the mission.
Spare the Feelings of Others - In most cases, no one wants to cause another person emotional harm.
Protect Their Own Feelings - The bravery of being vulnerable and truthful could open an opportunity for a person to experience being attacked verbally, which is something most people will try to avoid.
Present a Good Image - Covering up parts of themselves that are embarrassing or that fail to meet the expectations of others takes precedence over being truthful.
How many parents experience being lied to by your children? How many partners experience being lied to by your significant other? How many employees experience being lied to by your co-workers? Being told a lie really makes it hard to trust the other person. When the bond of trust is broken in a relationship, other problems can arise.
Many people view lying as detestable and unacceptable. Yet, there is a lens concerning lying many people do not look through. Have you ever considered people may lie to you because telling you the truth feels unsafe? How do you react when you are told the truth? Are your response tendencies possibly the reason you don’t receive the truth as often as you would like to?
Self-defense lying becomes a goal when the punishment is severe and the fights are unfair. It is possible to offer compassion and correction simultaneously. It is possible to argue and affirm. If a person knows they are not going to be attacked by you even though their words or actions may disappoint you, they will be more likely to risk being truthful.
Lying to protect the other person’s feelings becomes a goal when the other person shows they cannot handle being told the truth. If a person knows you are going to blow up after hearing the truth, you are proving you can’t handle hearing it. If a person knows you are going to give the silent treatment because your feelings are hurt from hearing the truth, they will believe you can’t handle it. However, if a person knows you will be able to express your tough emotions in a mature way, they will be more likely to risk being truthful.
It is a natural human instinct to be protective of yourself. People will take many measures to do just that. If a person knows there is a great chance your words are going to hurt their feelings and lead them to feel worse than they already feel, they will lie to protect themselves. Yet, when a person knows their fragile ego is not going to be destroyed by your words, they will be more likely to be truthful.
When people are judged for having views, life experiences, and exceptionalities that are contrary to those of the people they are connected to, they are more likely to lie to gain acceptance or to escape judgment. If a person knows you are going to shun them because of a component of their humanity, they will choose to lie instead of telling the truth. However, when a person experiences your acceptance, even in moments you may totally disagree with them, they will be more likely to be truthful.
The intention of the points being presented is to provide you an opportunity for self-reflection while pondering the following questions.
What form of dishonesty do you encounter most?
How safe is it to tell you the truth?
What can you do differently to increase the likelihood others will come to you truthfully?
How open are you to having a conversation with people you are connected to about the content of this blog?
The next time a person lies to you, I challenge you to be curious instead of combative and inquire about their reasons for not being truthful. Curiosity has the power to strengthen connections.
To learn more about St. John ‘A’, click here.
